SingaWorld

Singapore apparently went from a 3rd world country to a 1st world country during the last 40 years. At the cultural pre-port (the one hour presentation the night before we arrive in a country where a local talks about their hometown--what the traffic is like, what food is good, and tries to make awkward jokes about prostitution)…okay that was such a long parenthesis that I will start that sentence over. At the cultural pre-port they explained to us how this transformation took place. It sounded sort of like they took a lot of highly educated business people from around the world and had them come to work at Singapore and thus upped the GDP there, and also something about becoming a center of Eastern trade and some other mumbo jumbo. My analysis: they created SingaWorld, an international attraction that takes tourists’ money. Now this isn’t the official name of the international attraction that is Singapore, but I thought it had a nice ring to it. If you like Disneyworld/land or Universal Studios, overpriced rides, 3D “terrorizing shows” and the like, then you’ll definitely enjoy Singapore. In fact, they even have a branch of Universal Studios. AND they have a “ride” (or 20 minute movie) in 4-D! My friend Brian and I looked at each other a little confused. With furrowed brows he said what we were both thinking, “but the fourth dimension is time”. A few moments passed and I finally proclaimed, “OH! It’s just real life!” He looked at me puzzled (I guess he missed my sarcasm) and so I explained further that maybe you pay your $40 (each) and walk into a room that has another door on the other end with a sign that says “prepare yourselves for 4D!” and the unsuspecting tourists walk through the door and, wait for it, ENTER THE REAL WORLD. Imagine that! Sounds fascinating. But considering that Brian and I had just spent 20 bucks to ride a gondola to get to this island in a “Jeweled Tran”, which ended up being the exact same thing as the ones we ride in Tahoe but with a touch screen T.V. in it showing you all the amazing attractions you will be about to see, we couldn’t justify partaking in any of them. Even walking to the top of this giant lion sculpture (called a Merlion--google it) cost 10 bucks. ANYWAY, besides the disappointment that Singapore isn’t really much of a country country, it was kind of cool to see how hi-tech and absolutely CLEAN it was. Especially in contrast to India.

SingaWorld has a few things going for it. It’s the safest place on Earth! What a great and original catch-phrase, eh? Disneyland, Happiest place on Earth; SingaWorld, Safest place on Earth…I guess it’s one of those “had to be there” or “had to have visited there” kind of jokes. Anyway, Singapore is so strict about littering and spitting on the ground and chewing gum and such that it’s spotless as well. I didn’t see a single pot hole. Also, they have some of the highest paid politicians in the world (their president equivalent makes 2.75 million a year, compared to Obama’s $400,000) and consequently, the lowest rates of corruption. But while they seem to be very modernized and civil, guess what their punishment for compromising the modesty of a woman (i.e. whistling at her)? I hear jail time, fine, and the gentleman in the back said “trick question”, well you are all wrong. The answer is caning. How does this work you might ask. Well they have “caning rooms” at their police departments. Let’s say you are sentenced to 5 canings. Well you first go to a physician’s room and they check you out, to make sure you are in good enough health to be caned. Then, presuming you are, you go to the caning room when you are asked to remove all your clothes. Then you bend over, bum out and are striked by the caner 5 times in a row. To make matters worse, it is actually against the law for the caner to hold back at all. So now your bum is throbbing in pain and you might need more medical attention or bandages because you are bleeding. Oh, and good luck sitting down for the next couple weeks. Sounds kind of primitive right?

Remember when, I think it was Clinton, who took a “get tough” policy on drugs (because his childhood days of smoking weed became public and he wanted to cover his un-caned bum), well let’s take a look and how Singapore handles their druggies. Let’s take for example, someone who has half an ounce of weed on them. For those of you unfamiliar with the weight of weed, that’s like $200 worth (sources tell me). So you get caught with it and arrested (same as the states) but now what happens. A fine, jail time, trick question? WRONG! Death. Or if you are really really lucky, life in prison, and a whole lot of caning.

So Singapore was an interesting place full of Prada and Exploratoriums, and zip lines, and roller coasters. But we were only there for a day and a half, so I liked it. I just don’t think I’m going back. Unless I plan on becoming a politician. Then there’s a chance ;-)

I nearly forgot. I did one more touristy, Disneyland type of adventure. A night safari drive at the Singapore Zoo with a Halloween theme. I saw a ton of animals that are nocturnal and got “pee-my-pants” scared (okay so maybe I exaggerated my screams a bit for the entertainment of my fellow jeep riders, but they really did do a great job in their make-up and surreptitious behavior--they even grabbed you unsuspectingly). The buffet style dinner had Indian, Singaporean and Chinese cuisine and wow did I forget how much I love teriyaki beef skewers and kung pow chicken! I can’t even fathom how amazing Taco Bell will taste when my mom picks me up in San Diego with a soft taco and a nacho cheese chalupa (extra beef) in hand.